I know seasonal affective disorder has hit when I start getting bored with everything. When Instagram accounts I used to love make me roll my eyes; when I go from animated to buck tired in seconds; when I start watching tv all the time. I have been watching a lot of tv. Like waking up and watching tv before I brush my teeth a lot. And unlike watching tv when I’m in a fun mood, it’s mostly felt like a drag. I’ve watched things I’ve enjoyed — Unbelievable, Fleabag, a few episodes of Modern Love — but not with any real joy. Not with the kind of joy that makes television criticism seem like an exciting career. I’ve been in a pretty comfy school hole for two weeks and after hitting a very dramatic bump this past weekend (it involved ugly crying and three hours on FaceTime) I feel drained. One of the most exhausting parts of school for me right now is feeling like I’m putting in the work and not feeling any smarter or wiser. It’s frustrating because this is not a new feeling and I’m not sure what I could do to get over it. In The Story of A New Name, the second novel in Elena Ferrante’s Neapolitan series, the narrator expresses the feeling of reading and gaining facts, yet feeling that you are not knowledgeable in the way it matters. She says: “I recognized in them what I had never had and, I now knew, would always lack. What was it? I wasn't able to say precisely: the training, perhaps, to feel that the questions of the world were deeply connected to me; the capacity to feel them as crucial and not purely as information to display at an exam; a mental conformation that didn't reduce everything to my own individual battle, to the effort to be successful.” Thinking about the book, I wrote a note in my phone: will I ever know enough? And furthermore, will I ever be good enough? I love learning but so much of knowledge is about expressing it, is about being able to talk about it. So much of the time I feel like I’m talking in fragments, using vaguely understood concepts in incorrect ways. I feel like no matter how much I read, no matter how much I analyze, I will always be missing something.
The one Twitter couldn’t stop talking about: Adam Driver in the New Yorker. He claims not to know what ‘toxic masculinity’ is about.
The one I’m going to see live: loving the Kate Bush energy that fka twigs’ mary magdalene is giving me, especially “sad day”.
The one that made me laugh: Condé Nast employees really care about their fancy snacks.
The Timothée Chalamet one: I would not recommend The King but cackling at Robert Pattinson’s French accent is worth putting this on in the background